August 30th, 2017
Alas, there is no magic pill. No quick trick to escape the sorrows of the swamp and move through the murky muck of stuck. I must trudge – and believe me, right now it feels like truuuuuuuuuudging. One step at a time, small as each may be, I – must – trudge. Where am I trudging to? Still no identifiable destination. But my guide to finding my inner Bad Ass is helping me identify the tools I’ll need for this trip. First step: identify the tools I’ve used in the past.
Upon reflection, I’ve been able to identify two specific times in my adult life when I didn’t feel stuck. Yes! There are two, clearly transitional times where I was living my truth, listening to my gut and “on purpose.”
The first time I can remember feeling truly on purpose was during my first year of roller-derby. Roller-derby came to me at a time of life when I really needed it and yet, I was totally unaware of how much I needed it. I wasn’t conscious of my unhappiness or depression or desperation. I was conscious of the fact that after my first practice I was full-on addicted. That was it. I was a derby-girl and despite the fact that I’d had minimal exposure to any roller derby at all I knew I was carnally connected to all the women who had ever strapped on skates and stepped onto a track. At some point, I do plan to document my “derby story,” (every derby-girl has one) and share the life changing onset, 5 year journey and bitter-sweet closure of that chapter. Today is not that day. I will say that my time in roller-derby built a confidence in me that changed my whole life perspective. In that sport I overcame physical and mental challenges that I never thought possible – not for me. Every time I stepped on to the track I was a warrior. I knew the danger. I knew the job to be done. I did it.
The second time I can remember feeling “on purpose,” was during my divorce. This milestone marked the first time in my life where I truly took a conscious risk. I was fully aware of the gravity of my decision, completely in touch with the fear of what was to come and committed to going through it. As a mother of two young children, the depth of the impact of my choice was always at top of my mind. I knew I had to. I knew it would be awful. It was…and I did it.
I’ve reflected on what was in common in these two very specific times of my life with the hope that I can, once again, move forward through fear and the unknown with perseverance – hell maybe even with some excitement? Low and behold there are some interesting commonalities that give me hope! In fact, the commonalities in these times are almost like a recipe- a recipe for success? Okay maybe that’s a stretch, but I have to have faith and I have to have hope and if a “recipe for success” will get me one step farther along in my transformation then fuck it. Let’s do this.
Summer’s Recipe for Success:
- A clear goal
- Strategies to overcome fear
- Willingness to take risk
- Willingness to fall and get back up
- Willingness to succeed
- Love and support from others
Here is where the real work begins. Time to find a way to access all the optimism and inspiration I felt in Puerto Vallarta for my big life change- minus the unlimited food, drinks, sand and sun.
Hmph. Harder than I thought.
Truth? I cried so much my first day back from Mexico.
Truth? I’ve cried a LOT since I’ve been back.
I’ve moped. I’ve indulged my self-pity. I’ve embraced the fear and the stuck.
Time to move forward.
Hmph. Harder than I thought.