October 3rd, 2017
Last night I dreamed I was looking at the stars….but I had forgotten about this dream until this morning when, at 5:30am, I was in the backyard taking my puppy out to potty. I often use these potty breaks as a chance to connect with nature, the universe and my angels. I look to the sky, watch the trees shift in the breeze, feel the air on my face and focus on my breath – in…..and out……in……and out……it’s in these moments that I practice gratitude and sometimes ask for guidance.
This morning, like many others, after my puppy disappeared into the shadows of our yard I looked to the dark sky…….and I gasped. In a flash, I remembered my dream, or rather, a vision in my dream and a corresponding feeling. It was the stars. I remembered having seen all the stars of the universe in my dream and I remembered that you were there – not you in your physical form, but it was you – and I felt safe and comforted. I felt all the love of the universe because it was your love for me. You came to me in my dream to comfort me – just like you have done all my life.
Today, I return to work, while my mom remains in critical condition in the ICU, as she has been, for almost 14 days. Her condition has changed though. Her body, fierce in how it’s tolerated, sepsis, emergency surgery, additional surgery, 20 extra liters of fluid, heart, kidney and lung complications. Her body, making slow and incremental progress in healing day after day although she is still very, very sick. Her mind…..asleep…..barely able to be roused. Her mind, not ready to wake. She has no sedation and no pain medication and yet, she sleeps.
I miss her.
How do I go back to work? How can I concentrate on anything other than the fact that I don’t know if I will ever be able to talk to my mom again?? Or hug her?? How do I carry on in my daily life as though I am not in this torturous state of limbo?
Yesterday was my first day back home – an hour away from mom’s bedside. I took the day off with the intention of using that time to catch up on chores and prep for the coming week. Instead, I found myself in bed until noon and then wandering around in a zombie-like state of being.
Summoning everything I had, I invoked Bad Ass rule #234-A, “Act as if.” “Act as if” is essentially “fake it till you make it.” One must behave in ways that will lead to their success – even when it’s hard, or in this case, seemingly impossible. If I want to live the life of my dreams I can’t become immobilized with fear, anxiety and sadness. At least, not today. I must “act as if…..act as if I am strong enough to take care of my kids and go back to work while my mom remains critically ill an hour away from me.”
My to-do list became just one-task: grocery shop. I literally spent 2 hours at the grocery store trying to do my normal weekly shopping (which should take no more than an hour at most!). I slowly pushed my cart…..passing produce, walking aisle by aisle, fighting back tears as I note everything mom would have in her refrigerator or pantry. Finally, it happened. I could no longer fight the tears. There I was, in a full-on ugly cry in the “natural” section of the grocery store, staring at mom’s favorite kombucha.
At the end of the day, I came home with groceries, did the dishes and cooked dinner for my kids. That’s all. And that’s enough.