Last night I dreamed I was looking at the stars.

October 3rd, 2017

Last night I dreamed I was looking at the stars….but I had forgotten about this dream until this morning when, at 5:30am, I was in the backyard taking my puppy out to potty. I often use these potty breaks as a chance to connect with nature, the universe and my angels. I look to the sky, watch the trees shift in the breeze, feel the air on my face and focus on my breath – in…..and out……in……and out……it’s in these moments that I practice gratitude and sometimes ask for guidance.

This morning, like many others, after my puppy disappeared into the shadows of our yard I looked to the dark sky…….and I gasped. In a flash, I remembered my dream, or rather, a vision in my dream and a corresponding feeling. It was the stars. I remembered having seen all the stars of the universe in my dream and I remembered that you were there – not you in your physical form, but it was you – and I felt safe and comforted. I felt all the love of the universe because it was your love for me. You came to me in my dream to comfort me – just like you have done all my life.

Today, I return to work, while my mom remains in critical condition in the ICU, as she has been, for almost 14 days. Her condition has changed though. Her body, fierce in how it’s tolerated, sepsis, emergency surgery, additional surgery, 20 extra liters of fluid,  heart, kidney and lung complications. Her body, making slow and incremental progress in healing day after day although she is still very, very sick. Her mind…..asleep…..barely able to be roused. Her mind, not ready to wake. She has no sedation and no pain medication and yet, she sleeps.

I miss her.

How do I go back to work? How can I concentrate on anything other than the fact that I don’t know if I will ever be able to talk to my mom again?? Or hug her?? How do I carry on in my daily life as though I am not in this torturous state of limbo?

Yesterday was my first day back home – an hour away from mom’s bedside. I took the day off with the intention of using that time to catch up on chores and prep for the coming week. Instead, I found myself in bed until noon and then wandering around in a zombie-like state of being.

Summoning everything I had, I invoked Bad Ass rule #234-A, “Act as if.”  “Act as if” is essentially “fake it till you make it.” One must behave in ways that will lead to their success – even when it’s hard, or in this case, seemingly impossible. If I want to live the life of my dreams I can’t become immobilized with fear, anxiety and sadness. At least, not today. I must “act as if…..act as if I am strong enough to take care of my kids and go back to work while my mom remains critically ill an hour away from me.”

My to-do list became just one-task: grocery shop. I literally spent 2 hours at the grocery store trying to do my normal weekly shopping (which should take no more than an hour at most!). I slowly pushed my cart…..passing produce, walking aisle by aisle, fighting back tears as I note everything mom would have in her refrigerator or pantry. Finally, it happened. I could no longer fight the tears. There I was, in a full-on ugly cry in the “natural” section of the grocery store, staring at mom’s favorite kombucha.

At the end of the day, I came home with groceries, did the dishes and cooked dinner for my kids. That’s all. And that’s enough.

6 weeks before ICU….

6 weeks ago…..August 20th, 2017

I was on a plane flying back from Puerto Vallarta so inspired to change my life and find my inner Bad Ass that I impulsively grabbed my iPad and started writing – not even knowing what I was going to write. I felt inspired, optimistic and ready.

A few things were so clear:

  • I needed to find a new job.
  • I wanted to start a blog about this journey.
  • I wanted to write.
  • I wanted to take pictures.
  • Music is connected somehow.

A few things were less clear:

  • How things should proceed with my boyfriend, who lives with me and yet, we had barely been talking for weeks.
  • What direction I wanted to go with my career (a career I’ve built since 2002).
  • How to start a blog.
    • The purpose of my blog.
  • What do I want to take pictures of? What do I want to do with them?
  • How music is connected? Is it just inspiration? Is there something more?

Aaaaand that’s about all I knew. It was a start! So I rolled with it.

Within a week of being back from Mexico I told my boss that I planned on leaving (no timeline given), paid for 12 months of a blog hosting service (with no clue how to use it), wrote 3 blog posts worth of content plus my introduction and started looking for jobs.

4 weeks ago…..September 3rd, 2017

I was in the thick of this change – this process of manifesting my Bad Assery and feeling stuck. See my blog post titled simply “The Stuck,” in case you’ve forgotten. I mean how does one continue on in their daily life once they’ve realized how much they hate it????? My guide said “Faith” and “Gratitude” were key.

I focused on faith – there was so much so unclear to me and so much I was risking (namely telling my boss I was leaving before having anywhere to go!). I focused on gratitude, asking myself “what good can come from this?” like a good little Bad Ass in training should.

Faith and gratitude really became critical because while I was so intensely self-absorbed and focused on my own spiritual journey, my daily life was sort of falling apart. My boyfriend of 2 years moved out, my boss decided to hire for my replacement before I had another job and my mom had fainted in front of me, severely dislocating and breaking her ankle in the process – which required surgery.

My mantras:

“What good can come of this?”

“I am thankful for….”

Q – What good can come of my boss hiring my replacement before I leave?

A – It makes my decision to leave real. It forces me to find another job.

I am thankful for the opportunity to practice

patience and integrity. 

Q – What good can come of my boyfriend moving out?

A – It relieves the tension in the house. It forces us to face our communication issues and make some decisions on whether or not we want to continue in this relationship.

I am thankful for my lovely little duplex, our

neighborhood and community.

Q – What good can come of my mom breaking her ankle?

A – It gives me an opportunity to appreciate having my mom!!!! It was scary to watch her faint and get so injured but ultimately THANK THE UNIVERSE she was ok!!!

I am thankful for the extra time with mom while she

recovers post-op and post rehab at my house. 

In other news, I had applied for what was clearly my dream job – a job that would be a perfect pinnacle to all that I had built in my career so far. I also applied for another job that I was really excited about. This was it. I focused on manifesting this job and a timeline for leaving my current job. I just knew, in my heart, that was my job and everything would be okay.

I am thankful to have a mom in the same field who can advise me on cover letters and responses to supplemental questions. 

I could feel the dust settling even though my eyes were still stinging with dirt and my vision slightly obscured.