Well it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. That’s because the universe saw me giving a heave-ho to my old life, my old narratives and my old ways. It was all,
“Sweet child….you’re so cute. And, no.”
But I persisted. I didn’t stop with the first universal punch to the gut, nor the second or the 3rd. In fact, I expected it. My guide to being a Bad Ass foretold this with a warning. I was clear that if I made a decision to change my life, and if I really meant it, and if I started to take action steps toward this, there would likely be an immediate setback. This setback would be a test of the universe and my own subconscious. A test to see how serious I am about making these changes. A test of my commitment. A test of my determination. I was also clear that my job was to remain steadfast, focused and undeterred. I would need to manage the setbacks as they come and continue on my new path with diligence and perseverance. The universe and/or my subconscious took note and was like,
“Wow, you are still moving forward with all this change…try THIS!”
So, here I sit….in the ICU, watching my mom breathe through a ventilator and fight for her life……and here is where I have sat for the last 9 days.
My nose raw with hospital stench.
My fingers unable to feel the keys on this keyboard because my hands are gloved and my body is gowned.
Mom is in isolation and critically ill.
She’s in pain.
And I miss her…I miss her so much my heart aches and tears flow down my cheeks like water out of a faucet. I have never, in my life, experienced such pain and deep, deep sadness.
Everything in my life is on pause. I haven’t worked in 9 days. I haven’t been home in 9 days. I stay with my mom in the hospital and then I go home to her house to sleep. My children are an hour away with my boyfriend watching them. The world, my life, as I knew it, has melted away right before my eyes. It reminds me of holding a glass in your hand and without even feeling the glass slip from your grasp you realize it’s on the floor, shattered. It happened so quickly and without time to respond that it’s almost hard to believe it happened at all – except that the evidence is all over the floor – in tiny, sharp shards that, if not careful, could cut.
Okay universe. You have my attention.
Angels of the universe,
and angels of mine,
and let you be my guide.
The flowers in mom’s room grow day by day. And I am so grateful.